Today

Today. 

Today... what is it today? I'm tired. I'm hot. Then I'm cold. My nose won't stop running. I feel so drained, so un-ambitious. I must be withdrawing still. I'm being a pussy. This isn't even that bad. Not compared to what it could be, and what it has been.

I'm finding it hard to get up. To get motivated. I just want to lay down. Stare at the ceiling.

It's raining. Hard. There's been a long drought here, and temperatures have been disgustingly hot. Trees and shrubs have been getting fungal infections, and their leaves wilting. They look sad. Guess it's not just me.

I really crave something right now. Something to put me at baseline, to make me feel normal. I don't know why I do this to myself. Maybe I just can't deal with life sometimes. I need to put on my game face, and opiates do that for me. They don't make me stupid, or irrational. They don't make me make bad decisions. Hell, I'm far more impulsive and prone to rash, poorly thought out choices while sober. I'm more aggressive and seek danger. Danger is exciting.

My fucking nose. It just keeps running. It's so annoying. I guess that's a small price to pay.

I need to suck it up. Sitting here wallowing in my own sorrow is just self defeating. I need to stop thinking so much, and just get out and go do shit. And guess what makes me quit thinking so much about sad bullshit like this? ...Yep. Opiates. This is why this is so hard. It's a never ending cycle.

And it's funny. On the outside, I look completely straightedge. I keep my hair short, almost buzzed. Im well groomed, and have great hygiene. I'm muscular, very lean, cut if you will. I look like a bodybuilder. And I am. I love to workout. I have no visible tattoos, they are all hidden under my shirt. I'm well spoken, and smart. I do all of this on purpose. I want people to think I'm normal. That I'm a straightedge guy.

Its a lie. I'm not a junky. No. I do not live to get high. I get high so I can live. I put myself in the class of the functional addict. I am functional. Very. But I love to get loaded. I used to trick myself, and say I did it just because I like the feeling. That is true. But it goes much deeper. I do it to stop the pain. To push away feelings. Anyone addicted to anything, they are hiding. Running. They are running from something within. It hurts them. Addicts are all the same. At least smart ones. Granted, some people are just morons and get high all the time because they are too stupid to understand the repercussions. The line is blurred, however, when you get into lower class poverty stricken areas. Drug abuse is rampant, and literacy is low. Does that mean they are stupid? Not necessarily, they just recieve poor education. You can be uneducated and still be smart. Those people... they use because of their life circumstances. They live in a ghetto. There are drive-bys constantly. Their family members are gansters, murderers, rapists, and incestors. The probably don't have a father, and their mother is a crackhead. I've witnessed and talked to them in person. I totally empathize with them and their addictions. If lived in a hellhole like them, I can guarantee I'd do the same. Bottomline, though, it that I know what I'm getting myself into. I never let it get too bad. But this cycle...

This cycle of a few weeks of mental peace and happiness, followed by a few weeks of mental anguish and physical discomfort... It's exhausting. Its an up and down rollercoaster. Then again, so is life. Who knows.

I'm a control freak. I like to be in control of my emotions. When i see people act solely on emotion, i consider them weak. I'm good at acting on logic. But sometimes, there's just too much going on in my head to block it out. So I medicate. Self medicate. Its really not much different than most americans. Except they get their drugs from a doctor. I acquire mine elsewhere. To be able to control your emotions, will just a pill, just a line, just a cloud of smoke....well its comforting.

Fuck. No one knows this shit. My current girlfriend, we'll just call her J, she has a small idea. She knows I like to use. But she doesn't know the real reason why, or just how deep it runs. I'm used to living a double triple quadruple life. I have a very strict policy I adhere to when it comes to my hidden lives. I keep all my stories consistent, always. It has never failed me. And my borderline paranoia only helps me stay out of trouble. Of course, it causes great anxiety. But no one knows. No one realizes I'm this fucked up. I hide it so well. It's embarrassing. People just see the stonecold me. The non emotional me. They think I have my shit together, and am doing a-ok.

Good. I want them to.

J. She has her own issues. I've realized that I'm drawn to the wrong type of woman. Dangerous and damaged, but hot and exciting. Voluptuous and risky. Misery loves company. I never used to understand why I liked this type of woman. Sitting here, writing this, I think I am starting to get it. Which is good, that means this blog is helping me understand myself, akin to therapy.

I like screwed up women, because they make me feel better about my fucked up ways. Its about me. God...thats selfish. I have a cut off, however. You have to be somewhat intelligent. I have no tolerance for idiots, morons, and general scum. You're fucked up childhood may be the reason for all the messed up things you do, and I get that, but you have to be able to hold an intelligent conversation. I might be doomed. Maybe I'll never marry. But right now, I like J. We've had some issues. She has issues with alcohol. her parents are pieces of shit. Her dad is a compulsive liar alcoholic enabler. Thank god she moved out of his pad. Fucking roachfest there. Her mom.... I hate her. Shes garbage. J knows this. I met her mom once. She was fucking methed out hard. On a good scoot. Shes a selfish piece of shit. Scum of society. A bloodsucking parasite living off others. Fuck her. She offered J meth when she came over from Cali. How fucked up is it when your own mother is trying to get you to do methamphetamine with her? So I have patience with J. Its not her fault. But she needs to take responsibility and not blame others for her follies. And lately, shes been doing good.

My own parents? They're great. I dont know why I'm so damaged. They did a good job raising me, and are healthy members of society. Loving parents who want the best for me and my brothers. Typical midwest middleclass family. If there is such a thing. Everybody is fucked up, one way or another.

I feel better. This is helping. Its helping my mood, and helping me learn about myself. So I'm going to stop this entry here and get outta here. It's storming hard, but whatever. It's kind of exciting. I work outside. Fuck it, lets walk around in a massive thunderstorm.

Chemical vices

Continuing my earlier thoughts...



Opiates. Opiates are the best. No pain. Nothing. Life is good, things will turn out fine, no worries, no stress, I can relax. No more hurt. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, can take away your sorrows and grief like the beautiful high opiates offer. Of course, this is just temporary. Problems dont dissapear when you get high, they just hide for a while. Opiates are dangerous, however. They are a tempting mistress. They will only cause greater pain in the end, unless you have a god-like self control. Which you dont. I dont. And I have great self control. They are fucking addictive. The most addictive shit ever. When I take them, something clicks in my brain. Shit, even looking at them makes something click. Its disgusting. I will fucking go through your cabinets and steal your painkillers. Its sad, and makes me feel like shit. Most addictive substance known to mankind. And for a damn good reason. I could go on, but I'll save this for other entries. Believe me, there will be a lot about this.

I also smoke cannabis. Marijuana. Weed. Whatever you want to call it. A lot. A fucking lot. I love it. I like me better when Im smoking. Im conviced cannabis is not even a drug. It's less dangerous than alcohol. Trust me. Ive done every fucking drug I can get my geasy little hands on. Pot is safe. It makes me nicer. It makes me less angry. I snap at people less, if at all. I laugh more. I sleep great. Food tastes great.  It blocks out bad feelings, for the most part. I find it VERY hard to be sad after smoking. I find it VERY hard to be angry after smoking. It levels me out. I self medicate, if you havent figured out already. The only drawback I've noticed is a slightly reduced ambition. Of course, weed has nothing on opiates when it comes to numbing out feelings. Sure, it does a good job, but any serious issues will not be numb-able by smoking. There is no withdrawal, unless you smoke a LOT. Cannabis is safe.

Alcohol... Nope. Dont care for it. I am a social drinker at best. Alcohol makes me feel stupid, weak, and vulnerable. I hate being drunk. It doesn't even feel that good. Its unfufilling, and just makes me want to do other drugs. I used to be a bouncer, and DESPISE the drinking culture. What is so glamorous about acting like a fucking drunk sloppy piece of shit? Nothing, for me at least. As a former bouncer, I'd rather deal with a bar PACKED with high people, than 10 drunk ass morons. Fuck alcohol. most damaging drug to our society. And it is a drug. If you think otherwise, you're a fucking idiot.

I semi regularly use amphetamines. I could never be addicted to that shit though. Its far too damaging to the body, mind, and soul. I have a strict policy of never staying awake more than a night. Never will I binge for days. Just fucking gross. But I will admit, I love the feeling of being just completely twacked, goosebumps and prickles up my spine and scalp, and riding like a fucking maniac as fast as I can on an ATV while listening to metal on my headphones. Goddamn...what a fucking rush. But not often.


I like MDMA a lot. I enjoy LSD, I enjoy mushrooms. They are a once in a while thing. Xanax is boring, and makes me blackout. I use it for coming down from amphetamines. Not for fun. I like altered states of mind. I like to do activities I do sober, and try them while one any given drug. It provides you with a different perspective, a different way of thinking and analyzing what you are doing. It's enlightening, so long as you can control yourself and not get hooked. Not many people can.

Steroids. Heres the oddball. I use steroids. Steroids are a whole different animal than traditional feel-good drugs. You dont get high. They arent physically addictive. Your customer base is actually composed of somewhat to highly educated individuals. Some who have families, some who own businesses, some who are rich and powerful. Some are gym rats. Its a whole different ballgame to sell steroids than drugs. And you deal with far less idiots, theives, junkies, scumbags, liars, and general undesireable human waste than if you were selling other drugs. Pot... well a lot of successful people like it too. Pot and steroids go together. In my oppinion, at least.

I love steroids. They made me a better man. Someone with more confidence, someone who doesnt take shit.  They made me ambitious, and changed my psyche for the better. And  no, Ive never "roid raged." Thats fucking retarded. You don't "roid-rage." It's a made up social lexicon. Heres what happens - things that annoy you normally, will annoy you slightly more, and slightly quicker. If you an asshole, you will definantly become a bigger asshole. As for losing control ? No. Thats all on you. Have some fucking self control. Think before you act. People love to hate on steroids, and love to talk shit.

Most common myth about steroids? It will make your dick smaller.

WRONG.


It had the opposite effect on me. When you hit puberty, your body produces testosterone at much higher levels. Your balls drop, and you dick gets bigger. Got it? Ok, good.

Now inject 500-1000X times the normal level of testosterone into your body. Then take a bunch of different oral steroids, which are slightly modified versions of testosterone with simililar but different effects. Then inject some deca, inject some fucking equipoise made for race horses. Your penis gets bigger. Just like when you hit puberty. But it maxes out at some point. So dont get too excited.

What does happen, is your testis shrink. Why? Because you body senses all this extra testosterone and whatnot, and tells your nuts - "Hey, no need for you guys to pump this shit out, we got enough." So they shrink. Just like when you slam oxycodone for 2 weeks straight, and your opiate receptors shrink because they sense that your body has too much. Then you withdraw. After you stop steroids, your nuts go back to normal. That simple.

Steroids make you a MACHINE. A fucking amazing workhorse. You recover faster, you can lift more, run longer, heal faster, have better cardio, and its just amazing. Awesome. And for all you idiots who think people who use steroids dont work hard cuz steroids magically make you strong - suck it. You work harder. You can go to the gym twice a day. You can do more sets and reps. Your body can take far more abuse. You earn that muscle. I HATE when people invalidate my hardwork because I take steroids. So I dont tell anyone. Idiots.

Theres a bunch of other obscure drugs i enjoy, not worth mentioning. Opiates are my weakness. Its a constant battle. I think about them everyday, sometimes many times a day. No matter how long ive been off. Haunting, really.

Prone to Wandering

Here it is.


Another blog.

This is not for you, no. This is for me. This is therapy. I hope.

I'm not going to tell you my name. Some of the topics I cover may be extremely damaging if attached to a name. In fact, anything incriminating is most likely just a dream I had. Sometimes you confuse reality and dreams. Not really








Prone to Wandering.




I really am. I cannot summarize my collective psyche and feelings any better.

This is why this is the title of my blog.

I suppose I should tell you a little about me. A little about me, and why I'm doing this. And... I should stop writing so fragmented, with so many breaks. But I can't. For now at least. I'm collecting and summarizing my thoughts on how I should do this. And my thinking is extremely fragmented and random. This is how I think. Although, sometimes, such clarity reaches me, that I can write for continuous pages without a break.

Anyway. Im 25. This is significant. I am a male. I am well educated. I have a professional career and passion. Sometimes, as in most the time, I am hyper masculine. My walls are high, for everyone. I rarely trust humans. Even a dog is more trustworthy. I have a sense of low level paranoia, but it is probably justified based on my previous actions. In fact, it becomes a way of life, a way of existence, after a while.

I like to think I'm a hardass. Im drawn to weirdos and freaks, eccentric people. And dangerous people, people living outside the law. Then, I turn around, and pretend to fit in with normal folks, and live a normal life. And I do.

It's fake.


I am a great actor. I am a great manipulator. I can bend people do think my way, to do things for me, with petty little mind games. And I enjoy it. But - I am not evil. Or so I like to think. Honestly, though, I sincerely believe my heart is in the right place, but I am known to be very insensitive. I do enjoy helping people who really need help. I find it fufilling.

If there's something I'm good at and will never admit, its having compassion. I understand people. We're all humans. I like everyone, so long as you aren't evil and have something to offer to the world. Some people don't. I will talk to a white grandma for an hour living out in the country, just to hear her story. Then I will work in the ghetto parts of the city, and talk to a black dope addicted prostitute junky for an hour. They have many parallels. They are both people.

I'm a bit worse at helping myself. Which is why I am writing this. I need an outlet, a way to express myself anonymously. Im not going to lie, you may be offended, shocked, disgusted, and so on with some things you read here. Most of it is within bounds of morality, however. Most of it.

I have issues. I'm not crazy. I think things through  thoroughly. Maybe too much. But it has kept me out of trouble. Back to being paranoid - I imagine every terrible outcome for any given choice I make. Then I make plans to deal with any of those outcomes, with a goal of mitigating or even preventing any damage. Because of my careful - borderline fanatical - ways, I have no record. I should be doing hard time. For a variety of things.

I never believed in love. Until recently. Even now, Im not 100% sure. I never dated in highschool, I simply wasn't interested. My first girlfriend was in college, which is a whole story unto its own. I learned a lot. I've had a few since then. I consider myself a serial monogamist. Im rarely interested in flings and one night stands. They are unfufilling. I like to get to know people. Deep into their core, into their darkest thoughts. I want to know how fucked up you are. It makes me feel better about myself. And for some reason, it's somewhat attractive. I gravitate towards damaged goods. I dont know why. I am damaged myself. And I really don't know why or how it happened. I cannot recall any huge event in life that shaped my thoughts into what they are now. Maybe I've just repressed it. Thats perfectly normal for traumatic events, right? Maybe im just dealing with it as of recently. Either way, this blog will help me figure it out.

Im getting off topic.


STOP.


focus.


Back to women.
They are a powerful force in my life. I never considered myself to have an addictive personality, but maybe I lying to myself. I am addicted to women. Sometimes, they cause such pain. Ive never been a romatic. Ive never really had strong feelings of love. Ive often wondered if im simply not capable. Or maybe...maybe I'm too numb to feel these feelings. Always numb. I do it to myself. It just makes lifes pains so much more bearable. And women tend to cause me to seek such numbing agents more than anything else in life. Its a rollercoaster.

You're wondering, how do you numb yourself? How do you numb your emotions? What do you do to block out the pain?

It's simple.