Prone to Wandering

Here it is.


Another blog.

This is not for you, no. This is for me. This is therapy. I hope.

I'm not going to tell you my name. Some of the topics I cover may be extremely damaging if attached to a name. In fact, anything incriminating is most likely just a dream I had. Sometimes you confuse reality and dreams. Not really








Prone to Wandering.




I really am. I cannot summarize my collective psyche and feelings any better.

This is why this is the title of my blog.

I suppose I should tell you a little about me. A little about me, and why I'm doing this. And... I should stop writing so fragmented, with so many breaks. But I can't. For now at least. I'm collecting and summarizing my thoughts on how I should do this. And my thinking is extremely fragmented and random. This is how I think. Although, sometimes, such clarity reaches me, that I can write for continuous pages without a break.

Anyway. Im 25. This is significant. I am a male. I am well educated. I have a professional career and passion. Sometimes, as in most the time, I am hyper masculine. My walls are high, for everyone. I rarely trust humans. Even a dog is more trustworthy. I have a sense of low level paranoia, but it is probably justified based on my previous actions. In fact, it becomes a way of life, a way of existence, after a while.

I like to think I'm a hardass. Im drawn to weirdos and freaks, eccentric people. And dangerous people, people living outside the law. Then, I turn around, and pretend to fit in with normal folks, and live a normal life. And I do.

It's fake.


I am a great actor. I am a great manipulator. I can bend people do think my way, to do things for me, with petty little mind games. And I enjoy it. But - I am not evil. Or so I like to think. Honestly, though, I sincerely believe my heart is in the right place, but I am known to be very insensitive. I do enjoy helping people who really need help. I find it fufilling.

If there's something I'm good at and will never admit, its having compassion. I understand people. We're all humans. I like everyone, so long as you aren't evil and have something to offer to the world. Some people don't. I will talk to a white grandma for an hour living out in the country, just to hear her story. Then I will work in the ghetto parts of the city, and talk to a black dope addicted prostitute junky for an hour. They have many parallels. They are both people.

I'm a bit worse at helping myself. Which is why I am writing this. I need an outlet, a way to express myself anonymously. Im not going to lie, you may be offended, shocked, disgusted, and so on with some things you read here. Most of it is within bounds of morality, however. Most of it.

I have issues. I'm not crazy. I think things through  thoroughly. Maybe too much. But it has kept me out of trouble. Back to being paranoid - I imagine every terrible outcome for any given choice I make. Then I make plans to deal with any of those outcomes, with a goal of mitigating or even preventing any damage. Because of my careful - borderline fanatical - ways, I have no record. I should be doing hard time. For a variety of things.

I never believed in love. Until recently. Even now, Im not 100% sure. I never dated in highschool, I simply wasn't interested. My first girlfriend was in college, which is a whole story unto its own. I learned a lot. I've had a few since then. I consider myself a serial monogamist. Im rarely interested in flings and one night stands. They are unfufilling. I like to get to know people. Deep into their core, into their darkest thoughts. I want to know how fucked up you are. It makes me feel better about myself. And for some reason, it's somewhat attractive. I gravitate towards damaged goods. I dont know why. I am damaged myself. And I really don't know why or how it happened. I cannot recall any huge event in life that shaped my thoughts into what they are now. Maybe I've just repressed it. Thats perfectly normal for traumatic events, right? Maybe im just dealing with it as of recently. Either way, this blog will help me figure it out.

Im getting off topic.


STOP.


focus.


Back to women.
They are a powerful force in my life. I never considered myself to have an addictive personality, but maybe I lying to myself. I am addicted to women. Sometimes, they cause such pain. Ive never been a romatic. Ive never really had strong feelings of love. Ive often wondered if im simply not capable. Or maybe...maybe I'm too numb to feel these feelings. Always numb. I do it to myself. It just makes lifes pains so much more bearable. And women tend to cause me to seek such numbing agents more than anything else in life. Its a rollercoaster.

You're wondering, how do you numb yourself? How do you numb your emotions? What do you do to block out the pain?

It's simple.