Chemical vices

Continuing my earlier thoughts...



Opiates. Opiates are the best. No pain. Nothing. Life is good, things will turn out fine, no worries, no stress, I can relax. No more hurt. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, can take away your sorrows and grief like the beautiful high opiates offer. Of course, this is just temporary. Problems dont dissapear when you get high, they just hide for a while. Opiates are dangerous, however. They are a tempting mistress. They will only cause greater pain in the end, unless you have a god-like self control. Which you dont. I dont. And I have great self control. They are fucking addictive. The most addictive shit ever. When I take them, something clicks in my brain. Shit, even looking at them makes something click. Its disgusting. I will fucking go through your cabinets and steal your painkillers. Its sad, and makes me feel like shit. Most addictive substance known to mankind. And for a damn good reason. I could go on, but I'll save this for other entries. Believe me, there will be a lot about this.

I also smoke cannabis. Marijuana. Weed. Whatever you want to call it. A lot. A fucking lot. I love it. I like me better when Im smoking. Im conviced cannabis is not even a drug. It's less dangerous than alcohol. Trust me. Ive done every fucking drug I can get my geasy little hands on. Pot is safe. It makes me nicer. It makes me less angry. I snap at people less, if at all. I laugh more. I sleep great. Food tastes great.  It blocks out bad feelings, for the most part. I find it VERY hard to be sad after smoking. I find it VERY hard to be angry after smoking. It levels me out. I self medicate, if you havent figured out already. The only drawback I've noticed is a slightly reduced ambition. Of course, weed has nothing on opiates when it comes to numbing out feelings. Sure, it does a good job, but any serious issues will not be numb-able by smoking. There is no withdrawal, unless you smoke a LOT. Cannabis is safe.

Alcohol... Nope. Dont care for it. I am a social drinker at best. Alcohol makes me feel stupid, weak, and vulnerable. I hate being drunk. It doesn't even feel that good. Its unfufilling, and just makes me want to do other drugs. I used to be a bouncer, and DESPISE the drinking culture. What is so glamorous about acting like a fucking drunk sloppy piece of shit? Nothing, for me at least. As a former bouncer, I'd rather deal with a bar PACKED with high people, than 10 drunk ass morons. Fuck alcohol. most damaging drug to our society. And it is a drug. If you think otherwise, you're a fucking idiot.

I semi regularly use amphetamines. I could never be addicted to that shit though. Its far too damaging to the body, mind, and soul. I have a strict policy of never staying awake more than a night. Never will I binge for days. Just fucking gross. But I will admit, I love the feeling of being just completely twacked, goosebumps and prickles up my spine and scalp, and riding like a fucking maniac as fast as I can on an ATV while listening to metal on my headphones. Goddamn...what a fucking rush. But not often.


I like MDMA a lot. I enjoy LSD, I enjoy mushrooms. They are a once in a while thing. Xanax is boring, and makes me blackout. I use it for coming down from amphetamines. Not for fun. I like altered states of mind. I like to do activities I do sober, and try them while one any given drug. It provides you with a different perspective, a different way of thinking and analyzing what you are doing. It's enlightening, so long as you can control yourself and not get hooked. Not many people can.

Steroids. Heres the oddball. I use steroids. Steroids are a whole different animal than traditional feel-good drugs. You dont get high. They arent physically addictive. Your customer base is actually composed of somewhat to highly educated individuals. Some who have families, some who own businesses, some who are rich and powerful. Some are gym rats. Its a whole different ballgame to sell steroids than drugs. And you deal with far less idiots, theives, junkies, scumbags, liars, and general undesireable human waste than if you were selling other drugs. Pot... well a lot of successful people like it too. Pot and steroids go together. In my oppinion, at least.

I love steroids. They made me a better man. Someone with more confidence, someone who doesnt take shit.  They made me ambitious, and changed my psyche for the better. And  no, Ive never "roid raged." Thats fucking retarded. You don't "roid-rage." It's a made up social lexicon. Heres what happens - things that annoy you normally, will annoy you slightly more, and slightly quicker. If you an asshole, you will definantly become a bigger asshole. As for losing control ? No. Thats all on you. Have some fucking self control. Think before you act. People love to hate on steroids, and love to talk shit.

Most common myth about steroids? It will make your dick smaller.

WRONG.


It had the opposite effect on me. When you hit puberty, your body produces testosterone at much higher levels. Your balls drop, and you dick gets bigger. Got it? Ok, good.

Now inject 500-1000X times the normal level of testosterone into your body. Then take a bunch of different oral steroids, which are slightly modified versions of testosterone with simililar but different effects. Then inject some deca, inject some fucking equipoise made for race horses. Your penis gets bigger. Just like when you hit puberty. But it maxes out at some point. So dont get too excited.

What does happen, is your testis shrink. Why? Because you body senses all this extra testosterone and whatnot, and tells your nuts - "Hey, no need for you guys to pump this shit out, we got enough." So they shrink. Just like when you slam oxycodone for 2 weeks straight, and your opiate receptors shrink because they sense that your body has too much. Then you withdraw. After you stop steroids, your nuts go back to normal. That simple.

Steroids make you a MACHINE. A fucking amazing workhorse. You recover faster, you can lift more, run longer, heal faster, have better cardio, and its just amazing. Awesome. And for all you idiots who think people who use steroids dont work hard cuz steroids magically make you strong - suck it. You work harder. You can go to the gym twice a day. You can do more sets and reps. Your body can take far more abuse. You earn that muscle. I HATE when people invalidate my hardwork because I take steroids. So I dont tell anyone. Idiots.

Theres a bunch of other obscure drugs i enjoy, not worth mentioning. Opiates are my weakness. Its a constant battle. I think about them everyday, sometimes many times a day. No matter how long ive been off. Haunting, really.



As you can see, I have some substance issues. For the most part, im in control. Sometimes I feel like im walking a tightrope. I have slipped and almost fallen at times, but I have never fallen off that rope and hit the ground.  I self medicate. To dull the pain. Then it becomes a lifestyle. Its fucked up. Sometimes, it really does help. Which is sick but true. Anyway, you will hear more about this. Opiates are one huge reason I am writing here.

This is a form of therapy, I hope.